[SyntaxError]

Took me quite some time to actually post this. I hesitate greatly when it comes to discussion of mental illness because Ive always felt it was weak in character to not control your own mind. I guess thats me admitting Im weak. Although this most likely has no bearing on my question, Im often finding myself giving excuses for an exit if I need one should I realize it would have been more wise to just keep quiet and not say anything in the first place. anyway..

Its almost two years now since I have been in any social interaction or environment of any kind. I try not to use it as an excuse but I went through a really fucked up relationship consisting of a library of lies, blame, martyrdom, secrets, and a mass of guilt. When it finally ended I told myself I wouldnt ever trust anyone or let anyone get in a position to hurt me so badly ever again. Since then I havent, .. well thats just it, I havent done anything.

My job consists of receiving freight and stock so I dont have any social interaction there. Usually thats just fine with me, Ive been alone so long Ive learned to deal with being alone but within the past weeks Ive been finding myself so extremely depressed and aching for human contact to such a horrible extent that its been affecting me physically. My migraines are becoming more intensified, my stomach is constantly tight, i get hungry but i have no desire to eat and I must force myself, and my dreams are consistently about the same thing, being with someone.

Its been so long I dont even know what to do. What do I do, where do I go, what do I say? I havent a single clue where to start. If I give in and I seek social interaction how would I go about doing that? That being said I feel pretty stupid right now, thats an idiotic question. This entire post is pretty ridiculous but Ive no one else to ask, Im all alone.

[MadRiverTurtle]

Hi Syntax Error! First off, no this isn't a ridiculous question nor is it idiotic. I'm very glad you posted this question! Unfortunately, I'm sitting in lecture and about to get points deducted for being on my laptop, lol :)
(ironically, today's lecture is on happiness and social well being)

But, I wanted to quickly write you and give you I will be back later to add some constructive thoughts. Please feel free to PM/email me if you ever want to chat.


Best,
MRT

[Donkey Slut]

Your not alone at all. I myself was victim of social isolation. Stayed at home for a very long time. the Computer was the only type of interaction i did. I also understand how you fell victim to lies, blame, and all that crap in my last relationship. It sux and people are so deceptive. I understand how easy it is to generalize ALL people. Not all of us are like that. I met my donkey who has been a HUGE help in me being social. AND~! as crazy as this may sound weedtracker has also played a big part in me getting out into the world again. The queen mab truffle day at Kind Meds was actually the first time I had ever ventured out to meet people I did not know. I tell you I almost pooped my pants! * TY guys for making it a great experience*!

To get starting being social I think baby steps is the best bet. Don't jump into the pool before you learn how to swim. Get them floaties on! Lots of people ive met at co-ops are SUPER nice! Try getting to know other patients and see what goes from there. Maybe we can see you at one of the next meet and greets. Its easier to surround yourself with people you have stuff in common with. Share laughs, and conversation is just what to doc orders. Being happy is the best medicine you can give yourself.

I know being alone can play a toll on your mind. If you need to talk with someone Im totally here to talk.

Sorry if my spelling sux or if I don't sound right I am too lazy to spell check and a wee bit on the medicated side.

Remember if you need anyone to talk to im here for you

[savage]

i bet there are a ton of people going through similar situations. you can't give up faith on society for the outcomes of some situations. i think you would have a lot to gain by going back out into social environments and rediscovering yourself. don't be hard on yourself, we're only human.

[FARMER]

Originally Posted by SyntaxError

Its been so long I dont even know what to do. What do I do, where do I go, what do I say? I havent a single clue where to start. If I give in and I seek social interaction how would I go about doing that? That being said I feel pretty stupid right now, thats an idiotic question. This entire post is pretty ridiculous but Ive no one else to ask, Im all alone.

Wow! My god that was brave of you! REALLY! To expose yourself like that was very fearless and I think it would be great that, if nothing else, you can take that in. What you did today took alot of guts and you need to give yourself credit for that. REALLY!

That said I kinda know where you're coming from but not. I say not because NO ONE ON THE PLANET knows your pain and the reasons why you are where you are today. Even if you sit and explain it thoroughly and concisely, I still don't know what it's like to walk in your overalls, ya know? I'm sorry you feel so alone with this but just in sharing it here, doesn't it feel a little lighter. This community has alot of love in it. Sure there's some knuckleheads, too. Hell, I'm one sometimes, typing before I think. But we're all human. And human suffering is something everyone on this planet shares, unfortunately, to one degree or another. No one is exempt. I may not share your exact pain but in having pain, I can empathize. Ya dig?

One thing I might suggest if you're truely open to it, is to be of service of some kind. I would strongly suggest volunteering at the animal shelter near you. I know you're up north and not sure where to send you, but the shelters down in Los Ganjaeles always can use a hand. There's always a list of things like blankets and bleach and other stuff they ALWAYS need so maybe you can go out in the community (or via internet) and track down those items for them. That way you can do it on your terms instead of being around abuncha people right off the bat. Who knows? Maybe after a while you'll want to help with the pens or walking or just giving love. A little furry non-judgemental give and take may be just what the universe ordered for you. And I guarantee you'll feel like you're doing some good, giving back to your community. It saves their little lives and furry hearts!

I dunno, kiddo. You gotta make your choices but there are things you can do to get outside of yourself. I'm sure Oakstedam has plenty of homeless organizations that could use some help. Whatever you do, do something. Remaining in your routine will only cement your isolation further.

Your first step has already been taken. Your second one will lead you to your third and eventually you'll be walking away from this problem and into a life where you know you matter to others and you let others matter to you.

First things first.

Breath!


Now Smile!

Muchos Amor!

Originally Posted by SyntaxError

Took me quite some time to actually post this. I hesitate greatly when it comes to discussion of mental illness because Ive always felt it was weak in character to not control your own mind. I guess thats me admitting Im weak. Although this most likely has no bearing on my question, Im often finding myself giving excuses for an exit if I need one should I realize it would have been more wise to just keep quiet and not say anything in the first place. anyway..

Its almost two years now since I have been in any social interaction or environment of any kind. I try not to use it as an excuse but I went through a really fucked up relationship consisting of a library of lies, blame, martyrdom, secrets, and a mass of guilt. When it finally ended I told myself I wouldnt ever trust anyone or let anyone get in a position to hurt me so badly ever again. Since then I havent, .. well thats just it, I havent done anything.

My job consists of receiving freight and stock so I dont have any social interaction there. Usually thats just fine with me, Ive been alone so long Ive learned to deal with being alone but within the past weeks Ive been finding myself so extremely depressed and aching for human contact to such a horrible extent that its been affecting me physically. My migraines are becoming more intensified, my stomach is constantly tight, i get hungry but i have no desire to eat and I must force myself, and my dreams are consistently about the same thing, being with someone.

Its been so long I dont even know what to do. What do I do, where do I go, what do I say? I havent a single clue where to start. If I give in and I seek social interaction how would I go about doing that? That being said I feel pretty stupid right now, thats an idiotic question. This entire post is pretty ridiculous but Ive no one else to ask, Im all alone.

My friend, I sat here trying to figure out how to start typing for about 5 minutes. I know exactly what you're talking about (although like Farmer said, I can't know exactly how you feel. I understand the pain behind your words though).

First of all you are NOT weak. That pain isn't easy to stand up to. It's kind of like trying to stand up to a train, in fact! It is beatable though. Self esteem is a very important part of it. I had to constantly stop myself from thinking or talking myself down. It was VERY frustrating at first.... I mean how do you out think yourself??? Think about every single thing you are good at. Everything, not just one category, every single thing in life that you do well. I am sure there are many! If you find yourself getting frustrated and thinking you're failing or not good enough, or any of those negative thoughts, stop and assess the situation. Most times, if you step outside of yourself, so to speak, and look at what's happened, you will find it isn't so bad as you initially thought it was. And remember, all of us make mistakes at some point, thats what the face is here for on WeedTRACKER!!:slaugh:

I have been hurt in relationships too, especially bad in my last one, and I know what that does to your trust. I didn't trust anyone for a few years, didn't really talk to anyone either. But you know what? I realized that all the bad things that happened were invaluable experience, and I now knew some very important things to watch for in future relationships and even friendships. That's how we learn what works for us and what doesn't. Believe me though, I know it hurts, it REALLY hurts to put all your trust into someone and allow yourself to be vulnerable,,,, take off the armor, so to speak, only to have them take advantage of and hurt you. A very good friend of mine once told me, it's easy to take your armor off, putting it back on isn't so easy. But when you do take it down, you find the weak points, and you can fix them to better protect you in the future. I kept my armor on for a looooooong time after my last relationship (about 4-4.5 years), and you know what I learned? Yes, now I couldn't be hurt by other people, but I couldn't be loved by them either.

Now that we're up to speed

As far as social interaction. Yeah, this is tough, to go from not trusting anyone to putting yourself out there, taking down some walls, letting people in, and yes, even making yourself vulnerable. The cold hard truth is that some people will hurt us. Some very badly. But others will love us, and I swear to you, on anything, that it is WORTH IT. In my opinion it's the best feeling in life to be loved.

Talk to us here on WeedTRACKER!!!! That is a GREAT way to rebuild your social skills! I for one would love to talk to you, I mean, we already have so much in common!!! Please, feel free to talk to me anytime. Good mood, bad mood, TERRIBLE mood, ,,,,, any time. I'm always happy to help in any way I can, even just listening.

Really though, I empathize with you.. Those physical feelings you described, tight stomach, no appetite, the same dreams all the time, etc....I've felt them too. More times than I could ever count. And I still do. The difference is, a few years ago when I was not talking to people, I felt them all the time, every day, every night. With an occasional bit of happiness here and there. Now it's the happiness that's dominant, with the anxiety coming up from time to time. I am not on any pills (although I do know some people who have in fact benefited greatly from them), just mmj.

I know you're in pain, I know how bad it can get for me. I can be in the middle of a huge group of friends and feel completely alone, because when you let the panic build it just eats away at you, and you focus inward. Put the aforementioned armor waaaay up. And that's a tough thing to live with. It still gets the best of me from time to time. But most of the time it's the other way around.

I'll be checking this thread, please, reach out to me if you need to talk. Reach out to any of us. We are here for you.

[KushMeister]

Syntax,

You've already taken the first step, by opening up your heart and soul right here.
Weed Tracker is a gift to us all. Please use it to express what makes you happy or what makes you sad. You are a part of this wonderful Family, and know it or not....You have already gained hundreds of new friends, just by making this post!

Allow this community to help you work out what troubles you. I think you'll find, that there are more people out there, feeling the way you feel, than you'd ever imagine.

As Farmer said earlier... This was quite a brave thing you did. I think that with a little time, and a little compassion, you'll be on the social circuit in no time!

Take care My Friend!

Good job Syn. That's a positive and most important step.

I do not ever claim to know how someone else feels, but I am empathic enough to get some idea, as long as I am FTF with them of course. It's easier on the www but at the same time, it takes courage to say some things.

Check it out, it should get easier for you. :)

I wish you nothing but light, life and happiness,

Insanvsattva