I'm losing it.

I've been thru chemo 2x and now I'm back from a 4 week break.
Imagine all your energy is sucked from your body. Even going to the bathroom tires me out so badly...It seems to never end.
Imagine a bad flu for 26 weeks, 24/7.

I guess the hardest part, other than will it work?, is the exhaustion.
And I really don't like how grumpy I have become.

I did something today that no one should ever do: I spit on the dash of a woman who illegally parked in a handicapped space at Target.

When I asked her if she had any idea why those spaces are for the handicapped, she flippantly told me "it wasn't being used".
So I politely told her it's a huge fine and very socially irresponsible to put people in pain for the convenience of being closer to the store when she can run marathons!

So she told me to "mind your own business" I snapped. And spit right in her convertible Mercedes' dashboard. I'm not a violent person but this just broke me. I guess it's good I'm so wiped out or I may have hit her....

Losing control is scary. Especially if you know what you are capable of doing when enraged.

My relationships with friends and my spouse are really suffering.
I feel like the anchor around their necks... Why am I worrying about them and not me? Old habit I guess.

I'd roll a joint right now for the nausea but I'm too damm tired...

20 more weeks to go.

Stay Healthy people!

I'm getting some Pro-crit and ProVigil tomorrow. It should help.

If you happen to shop at CVS tomorrow, please don't park your marathon running ass in the handicapped space. I'm out of spit.
.

Sorry LG, I know it must be tough. As for losing your temper, we all have, the important part is you recognized it right away. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's fruitless. That was pretty gross, though. :)

But seriously, let me know if I can ever help or if you need to chat.

Z

[handscreate]

I've got a good feeling how you feel right now. I'm sorry bro! I lost it the other day over a handicapped parking space at the bank. I didn't use the space because I found one close enough for me to walk, but some jack ass decided it was ok to park there and use the ATM real quick. I went off on him, partially because of the heat & my frustration over my car breaking down consistently, but seeing him do that (and the guy was very "atheletic", running to the ATM, where he took his sweet time) and the guard staying silent, I went berzerk. As I was going off on him I contemplated breaking out my cane just in case it escalated to that. Instead, he told me "I just ran to the ATM. No big deal . . . go fuck yourself". At about this time my mom and AAA showed up to tow my car and I just didn't feel right getting physical with some jackk ass in front of my mom and the AAA guy. Whew! I'm not a big guy, nor am I strong really, but when I get going, well . . . get out of that way if you know what's good for ya!!

LG, if you ever need to talk, vent, hang out, etc . . . anything, I'm here for you man. Granted I've never had cancer, so far so good, but I was in traction for 3 months, numerous surgeries, casts, re-breaking & re-casting, physical therapy, etc for several years, everyday, all day. I just know what it's like to be the good guy, always caring more about the people you care about & love than yourself. Anyway, seriously, if you need anything let me know.

[Knottyone]

sorry things are rough, hope they get better soon

[Lou Weed]

LG, please don't beat your spirit up. Your body is going through enough as it is, especially regarding stuff your mind has no domain over; despite the Jolly Juice in your system, you're still full of fight. I say hell yes to that aspect. Keep that survival instinct up.

As for Ms. Mercedes, I hope she questions her actions as you have your own and can come to the conclusion that handicapped parking placards are not a consolation prize for unforunate health, but actually serve a purpose.

I'm hoping you feel better in the coming days. If you need anything, please let me know.

[Capt. Zigzag]

Originally Posted by Living Green

...So she told me to "mind your own business" I snapped. And spit right in her convertible Mercedes' dashboard....

Good for you. Thanx for that.

-

[firemonkey]

Keep fighting Greenie, hang in there!! You are loved! People like that can trigger a setback, but you'll have good days too. Sometimes it's hard to see that with what you are going through. Look towards the good days. Don't let people like her win!

Hang in there, I hope the chemo works, and good luck with the new meds.

[airtimejunkie]

Originally Posted by Living Green

I'm losing it.

I've been thru chemo 2x and now I'm back from a 4 week break.
Imagine all your energy is sucked from your body. Even going to the bathroom tires me out so badly...It seems to never end.
Imagine a bad flu for 26 weeks, 24/7.

I guess the hardest part, other than will it work?, is the exhaustion.
And I really don't like how grumpy I have become.

I did something today that no one should ever do: I spit on the dash of a woman who illegally parked in a handicapped space at Target.

When I asked her if she had any idea why those spaces are for the handicapped, she flippantly told me "it wasn't being used".
So I politely told her it's a huge fine and very socially irresponsible to put people in pain for the convenience of being closer to the store when she can run marathons!

So she told me to "mind your own business" I snapped. And spit right in her convertible Mercedes' dashboard. I'm not a violent person but this just broke me. I guess it's good I'm so wiped out or I may have hit her....

Losing control is scary. Especially if you know what you are capable of doing when enraged.

My relationships with friends and my spouse are really suffering.
I feel like the anchor around their necks... Why am I worrying about them and not me? Old habit I guess.

I'd roll a joint right now for the nausea but I'm too damm tired...

20 more weeks to go.

Stay Healthy people!

I'm getting some Pro-crit and ProVigil tomorrow. It should help.

If you happen to shop at CVS tomorrow, please don't park your marathon running ass in the handicapped space. I'm out of spit.
.

I hope you find yourself feeling better today. Although I do not require the use of a handicap parking space, it INFURIATES me when I see people parking there that shouldn't be parking there. There have been plenty of times when I've made comments to people, especially at the ATM/bank.

Sending you ((((((((((positive and healing vibes))))))))))

Airtime

[greengrem]

hey LG, sometimes are emotions are on autopilot, and while I understand you are not happy with your actions during this temporary loss of self control, your reasons were noble and quite understandable. You sound like a fighter though, so don't give up yet. Always enjoy reading your post.

Heheheheheehhe, spit eh,,,, ah well,,, it's not a sin,,, it's what happened
so what,, doesn't make you any thing,, thats the mind playing tricks,,
at least you aren't walking around contriving preexsisting ways to act
so you will be more acceptable. Fug that better to authentic and real, even
gopi said if ya got to be a ass hole then do it right,,, evn that be good at it,,
so good job playing the role and look at it, fuggger wasn't even bothered by th reality of things, if that doesn't bring a certain feeling nothing else will,
so good to know you are alive and have some understanding about the question about being awake verses sleeping . I think you are a hero!
fug that thing and never ever consider that crapola again,,, love you
it's freken amazing and real,,,, thanks for reminding me,, goonies never give
up!
peace
eagles

[DSW90049]

LG:
You have a big fight on your hands and you can hunker down, find the strength and do it.
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Words to live by when life deals you a shitty hand of cards.
It's all in your head-- the strength to get through this ordeal, that is.
Summon up all the spirit you have and can draw on.
As for loosing it and getting angry and pissed off and doing stupid things as a result-- you do not need to complicate your struggle right now and you need the energy for keeping yourself together and fighting this good fight. Take a deep breath and do not get mad- channel the energy into positive thoughts for getting well and strong.
Be strong, be as mellow as you can possibly be under the most trying circumstances imaginable.
I have nothing that can kill me- I just wish for it sometimes when the chronic pain is so unbearable-- I can only imagine what you go through every day at this point; I realize tht with advanced RA I am actually lucky.
I send you all the positive energy I can muster. You can do it!

[labrat]

you hang in there bro!!!i know exactely how yer feeling!! its just another fukn hurdle man!! they have been in my life always!!but i concur every one!!! stay strong and just keep fighting!! your a champ!!! champs fight on ,and never give up!! take it slow , have a chill day!! much luv lab rat

Originally Posted by labrat

you hang in there bro!!!i know exactely how yer feeling!! its just another fukn hurdle man!! they have been in my life always!!but i concur every one!!! stay strong and just keep fighting!! your a champ!!! champs fight on ,and never give up!! take it slow , have a chill day!! much luv lab rat

Great advice. Fighters never quit!

Stay cool and be well LG.

[AliceinBudland]

I'm a cancer survivor. I was one of the lucky ones who was caught extremely early, had it removed and didn't have to go through chemo.
I really feel for those who do. I'm so sorry you are suffering from the chemo right now. How much longer do you have to go through this chemo session?
I hope it's not much longer.
Hang in there and I truly hope you get to feeling better soon.
Warm Hugz,
Alice

LG, i had no idea..........i am so sorry you are going thru all of this.......just know your wT family is here for you.......


and as for the spit thing........she had it coming........

[BabyBoomer]

LG,

Thank you so much for sharing your frustrations. I'm sure that you know it wasn't just the parking incident . . . it was just the parking incident that was the last straw.

You are carrying around a huge load now and we all know that when in pain, just 'being' is a challenge.

I am grateful that you have a family and friends that can be there for you. Also, I am grateful that you have us here. Please do not hesitate to call on any of us.



Supportive Hugs,

BB


.

[ANTISHEEP]

Everything in life is dictated by balance...

It sounds as if your experience has plenty of positive to counterbalance the negative, so I call it a PUSH.

This should be the last thing worrying your mind, heart and soul.
Knowledge is power! At times of trouble, take time to breathe in the negative n positive and focus. Have confidence in knowing that you've inhaled this negative and positve; you've obviously learned something from it and your exhaling post on WT has clearly displayed that. I mean you could've went off on a venting tyraid on here but you showed much class, maturity and an intelligent understanding of your incident.

Stay strong, take care and hold that head up HIGH. You have many positive vibes flowing your way.

Today was pretty good! :nod2:

I really haven't been getting enough sleep lately, today I slept till 4pm. It's easy to forget that sleep is so important.
I was chatting with the Phamacist at CVS and she reminded me that I'm on a huge dose of steroids and to expect that to have some effect on mood and temper.
I still have a hard time eating, food tastes like copper pennies and dimes...!

No one died, no one bled, no one cried and I felt well enough to go putt-putt around the Marina with my Girlfriend. That was my panacea today, water is always so calming and rejuvinating.

I decided I'm going to change my work schedule from 3 part days a week to two, at least for a while so I can "carve out" some "me space" and not worry so much about responsibilities. I could go on full sick leave but I love my job and the people I work with so much that I would feel lost without something to feel productive. When I go back to full time I will be in our new, 3rd facility, a 47 mi each way commute instead of a 79 mi each way slog up the 101. Half the drive time.

I decided to start a journal with reminders to eat, sleep and take it a bit easier as well as sync up my thought and feelings. I've never kept one before.

Thanks for all the good thoughts! It really helps! :smile2:

[Capt. Zigzag]

Originally Posted by Living Green

...I still have a hard time eating, food tastes like copper pennies and dimes...

Green apples. Eat a little just before your drip and before meals. <wink>

-

[CJK]

Just get your ass better will you?? Sheesh... I need my weekly gossip!

[SanDiegoGirl]

Hi Living Green--

Thinking about you and what you wrote, and I want you to know that I am praying for you today-- I admire your honesty and courage for explaining how you feel, and knowing the power of staying connected to the world, when you are feeling at your worst.

I hope that the collective love and support of your Weedtracker friends and family helps you through this and raises your spirit up from such traumatizing experience...

Please PM me if there is any way that I can personally help you.
Wishing you stregnth and comfort through this difficult journey.

[BabyBoomer]

Originally Posted by SanDiegoGirl

Hi Living Green--

Thinking about you and what you wrote, and I want you to know that I am praying for you today-- I admire your honesty and courage for explaining how you feel, and knowing the power of staying connected to the world, when you are feeling at your worst.

I hope that the collective love and support of your Weedtracker friends and family helps you through this and raises your spirit up from such traumatizing experience...

Please PM me if there is any way that I can personally help you.
Wishing you stregnth and comfort through this difficult journey.

^^^ what she said - because she can say it better than me -


.